Sharing the mental load: why it matters and how we can lighten it together
18 March 2026
The mental load isn’t always something you can see - but you can certainly feel it. Even when life looks ‘normal’ on the outside, carrying the invisible weight of organising, planning, remembering, and coordinating can leave you physically drained, mentally foggy, and emotionally worn out.
As we move into the fourth month of the year, it’s a great moment to pause, check in with ourselves, and gently explore how we’re managing our mental load - and what we might want to do differently.
Every household is different
Research continues to show that women tend to take on most of the mental load (or cognitive labour) within households. Every relationship and family setup is unique, so the balance may look different from home to home. But as we think about the impact this has on women’s wellbeing, the same principles of sharing and support can be applied to any household structure.
What do we mean by ‘mental load’?
Mental load refers to the constant cognitive effort that goes into running life behind the scenes:
- Planning and preparing
- Anticipating what’s needed
- Tracking schedules
- Making decisions
- Ensuring things happen
It’s everything from remembering dietary needs to keeping an eye on the calendar, stocking the cupboards, or pre‑heating the oven before dinner prep even begins. Often, actually doing the task takes less energy than all the thought required to make it possible.
The invisible burden
So much of the mental load is unseen and hard to measure. It isn’t just a single job - it’s a never‑ending juggling act. In family households, that might include:
- Coordinating everyone’s schedules
- Organising meals, clothes, and schoolwork
- Managing health appointments
- Planning celebrations
- Taking care of everyday logistics
But even in smaller or child‑free households, the mental load can still be heavy. It grows quietly and steadily, and often goes unnoticed until we feel overwhelmed.
How it affects us
When the mental load isn’t shared fairly, many of us find ourselves feeling:
- Exhausted
- Frustrated
- Resentful
- Overwhelmed
One of the biggest difficulties is the expectation that the person carrying the load should ask for help in order to receive it. But when both people share responsibility proactively, the load becomes naturally balanced instead of delegated.
Households go through seasons, and the balance will naturally shift at times. What matters is noticing when it becomes too much for one person and working together to reset.
Finding balance again
If you’re feeling the weight of the mental load - or someone has approached you about sharing it - there are supportive, constructive ways to start the conversation.
Helpful strategies for starting the conversation
1. Set aside time to talk
Choose a calm moment without distractions so everyone feels heard and supported.
2. Be clear and open
Explain what the mental load looks like for you. Sharing articles, comics or resources (like You Should’ve Asked by Emma) can help someone understand if the concept is new to them.
3. Use non‑judgemental language
Try ‘I feel…’ rather than ‘You never…’ to keep things open and safe.
4. Make a plan - together
List out tasks, including the unseen steps behind them. Decide who will take responsibility for what and be clear about expectations.
5. Remember you’re on the same team
Sharing the mental load benefits everyone - and sets a positive example for children.
How to support someone who’s carrying the mental load
If you want to better support a partner or family member:
- Listen without defending
Avoid phrases like ‘But you’re better at it’ or ‘You should have asked.’ - Be curious
Ask thoughtful questions to understand what their invisible workload truly looks like. - Reflect their feelings back
Simple phrases like ‘I didn’t realise how much thought and planning goes into this’ can show deep validation. - Take initiative
Look honestly at the household tasks - are there areas where you can step up without waiting to be asked?
A shared approach helps everyone feel more supported, respected, and connected.
References
- Aviv, E. et al. (2025). Cognitive household labor: gender disparities and consequences for maternal mental health and wellbeing. Springer Nature.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00737-024-01490-w - Wisconsin Public Radio (2025). Women carry a household’s mental load. Now, a Wisconsin researcher has receipts.
https://www.wpr.org/news/women-carry-households-mental-load-wisconsin-researcher - Psychology Today (2024). Mental Load: The Invisible Weight of Parenthood.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassionate-brain/202412/mental-load-the-invisible-weight-of-parenthood - University of Bath (2025). Successful career women still shoulder the majority of the mental load at home.
https://www.bath.ac.uk/announcements/successful-career-women-still-shoulder-the-majority-of-the-mental-load-at-home-new-research/ - Psychology Times (2025). Mental Load: The Invisible Weight Women Carry.
https://psychologytimes.co.uk/mental-load-the-invisible-weight-women-carry/ - Barigozzi, F. et al. (2025). Beyond Time: Unveiling the Invisible Burden of Mental Load. arXiv.
https://arxiv.org/pdf/2505.11426 - Scary Mommy (2017). You Should’ve Asked – Comic by Emma.
https://www.scarymommy.com/emma-you-shouldve-asked-mental-load - Partners in Fire (2025). The Mental Load Exposed: What it is, Why it Matters, and How to Share it.
https://partnersinfire.com/lifestyle/the-mental-load/ - Today’s Parent (2025). The Mental Load Is Real—Here’s How to Share It.
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/how-to-share-the-mental-load/ - Emma (2017). You Should’ve Asked (full comic).
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
